5 months of suffrage

In October of 2013 I moved in with my ex husband in an effort to reduce or combined bills. This was to make things easier for the kids and for each of is to be able to afford to raise them appropriately. Epic fail!!! Either way I have just recently severed ties and we are now living apart again. During the time of or cohabitation, my poor bonsai tree died. I think it was because I was a lot depressed and wasn’t giving anything very much attention. We are all now on the road to recovery. Week one in the new place and it’s already starting to green up.

Being grateful is harder than one would imagine

Tonight I plan on being thankful for the things that have gone well for me. I have been having a tough time dealing with living under the same roof as my ex-husband. He is still him. He still drinks way too much for my taste. He now smokes marijuana and that’s not my idea of being adult or responsible. His attitude is still the same as when we divorced. Instead of focusing on all the reasons that things are sucky at the moment I will focus on what is good at the moment.

The official first week

Today marks one official week us cohabitation with my ex husband. How has this week gone? Well let me start by talking about where we stand at this moment. I am not currently speaking to him. I’m already tired I walking on eggshells and biting my tongue. If I speak my mind, it’s a problem, if I don’t speak my mind, it’s a problem. If I’m in a bad mood and don’t talk, literally sitting and reading, it’s a problem and if I’m mad and express it, it’s… You guessed it, a problem.

I’m finding it extremely difficult to center myself here already, and hearing him suggest I do things that i would rather not, makes things so much worse.

Weeks that last forever

This week was a tough one. I didn’t think I would survive it. I did. I KNOW that days will get better. I’m trying to break my mind out of this negative jail that it has been locked in. Force is necessary.

Addicted to the struggle

Last night, as I always do, I found a guided meditation mp3 the “guide” me to sleep. This one was titled, “are you addicted to your struggle?”. As I listened to this track, I posed that very question to myself. I realized that I am, in fact, addicted to my struggle. I know my struggle, my single parenthood, my lack of substantial cash flow, my woes and I’m okay with them. I know how to move through them and I always find motivation to come out on top. I plan to shed that struggle.I no longer wish to remain addicted to the struggle in an effort to move finally forward. It will be scary to let go of, but I will and this will be good for all.

Figuring out this bad day… openly

I question what it means to struggle often…

Some people, I’m sure, struggle through the days battling the feelings of some sort of grief. Maybe they lost a parent, or sibling or spouse for the entirety of their existence.  This is an imaginable feeling, in case it is not something that you personally struggle through. There is no worse feeling than the feeling of eternal loss. You question why most often and it’s hard to find the meaning or reasoning. Grief of loss is a difficult feeling to process and I am not even sure that it is ever fully processed. I think maybe that you just move through the days absent thought of those lost to you.

Some people struggle through the lack of means. What it is to have financial struggle is foreign to some but all to common to others. The lowest point of financial burden is where the truest struggle lays. The questions of where the next meal will come from is a constant thought. Working to no end for nothing is the most likely scenario for someone that was born into nothing. It is a constant life struggle, trying to reach the next level, the level just above your parents in hopes of you children reaching the level above you. The constant thought of why also graces this struggle, why did my parents deem it acceptable to bring into struggle life? What where their thoughts, hopes, dreams, and was there a plan in place to assist their offspring in reaching the next plateau? It is a hard task trying to keep ones head above water, especially while losing everything in the process.

The struggle of companionship is a challenge most people feel most often. Loneliness is a horrid feeling. To be alone, to not have anyone to simply share with, joys and sorrows. This topic should be relative to all who read because at some point we all face this struggle. When this feeling of loneliness is at its worse, breath escapes and is tough to regain. 

finally, there is this… Mental, emotional, physical, sexual, or any other type of abuse either combined or singular can wreak havoc on someones mind, thoughts, feelings, world in its entirety.

So what happens when all of these struggles are combined in one persons life? How can one person withstand all of these torturous feelings, all wrapped in a pretty little package shoved into one (singular) soul? I ask myself that very question everyday as I try to accomplish that impossible task. I don’t know how I yet stand.

When caught off guard

I was having a pleasant conversation today with my newest friend until one word that he uttered shook me to my core. Before hearing this very jarring word we had discussed the passing of my father and sister and our similar lives on different planes. This one word, just five short letters combined to ruin my time. This word brought back pain and devastation that I had been through with the first guy, rebound guy, that I was with during my separation. The conversation evolved into somewhat of a nightmare sending me into panic mode. Images of the past started to surround me and at times I felt as if I could hardly breath. All this began from a word.

He began to “read” me, this made the situation much worse. I have been read by the other, it was fun at that time but not now. I was not okay with the terms, but how could I express this without having to go into detail about the past that haunts me? I brushed most of this off and tried to smile, I did a horrible job at it. Like the feeling that you get when you can feel that your smile is failing. I was eventually saved by the bell, he had to pick his sister up from the salon and I claimed grocery shopping.

Distance between two

Sometime back in 2010 I met a man. I met this man for the sole purpose of getting over my divorce. I learned a lot from him, sadness being the leading lesson. After meeting him, while being emotionally devastated, I thought I had found true love. My sister read my cards and told me that he, the new person in my life(she had no idea of him), would teach me sadness. The first six months were great, and then the heavy drinking began. The talk of death that surrounded his job became prevalent and then drugs and guns were added. I thought I was in love and was willing to help him through anything he needed. The second half of our first year was absolutely terrible. Filled with tears and heartache, I was still willing to stick it out. Second year ended in devastation and the eventual drop from the planet.

This post is about distance. He was more than an hour away from me and I was willing to carry on. I started to think to myself, why? Why was I carrying on with this? It’s seems simple now, the distance… The emotional distance, the physical distance, the disconnect.

I eventually started talking with another gentleman, he lived more than an hour away. My third possibility more than an hour as well. I was constantly asked by people, why? Why don’t you talk to someone closer to home? That’s simple, I won’t ever let anyone be in a position to destroy me. The fourth more than an hour and then there was the fifth, less than two minutes away from my home. This closeness ed him to “surprise” me at my job and come by unannounced. But I had finally talked to someone in the neighborhood.

With this closeness came more fear. I quickly ended the non-existing relationship and started another with someone less than an hour but more than three minutes. He too showed up whenever and had to go. But this one taught me that it is not the distance, but the expectation of the other party. They wanted more than I was willing to offer.

Never abandon your dreams

My first passion in life was baking. I played around with food and flavors as often as possible. I was really good at it. All through high school I cooked and baked; for the school store, for class and, at home. I had the opportunity to possibly receive a scholarship to Johnson and Wales University through my high school. I wanted to cook! Anywhere! I decided that I wanted to cook for the Army and so I signed up to join.

I took the ASVAB test, I went through the physical, I raised my right hand and swore an oath to the country. I was excited! Somewhere in the madness of the excitement and possibilities, my life took a left turn. I fell in with the wrong crowd, my mothers’ demands began to be overwhelming, life became difficult. I lost the thrill for baking and the reason for my dreams. I no longer wanted to have more. Upon abandoning my dreams and dealing with all the stresses of the world, I abandoned high school. All of the faculty did everything in their power to get me to return to school. My grades were excellent, without my effort. The final proposal was to attend my senior year taking all junior classes and one senior class and graduating with my class. I declined.

I met my future husband and spent all of my time with him, he was living my dream. He was in the military. I played with his gear, tried on all of his stuff and loved it.

I buried my dreams for a long time, and it is taking a longer time to reach them now. I still bake on occasion, now for my kids. I still think about joining the military and I am in the process of trying to become a police officer.

I hate that I abandoned my dreams way back then, but now I am a degree holder, Associate degree in Science/ Criminal justice. I took the longer path in life, approximately 12 years longer, but I am back.

Adding to the list

Yesterday I started to form my dating checklist, or questionnaire if you will, and the list seemed grim in nature. Why would one have to ask those questions of another? Well I got news for ya’ that was just because of one person. Yes all of that and more is totally for one person. I have been dealing with this person since thanksgiving 2012 and it went from weird to worse. It wasn’t an on again off again kind of relationship but it often seemed that way. I remember one day in January or February I made a statement along the lines of “……..not like we’re boyfriend/girlfriend…….” this sent him into a rant because apparently, to him, we were. I didn’t have the heart to break his because he often said “please don’t rip my heart out” and although it wasn’t my thing, I wasn’t going to be the cause of someones’ demise. On graduation night, he said he wanted to take me out for drinks (I know enabling and alcoholic is horrible but he’d been drinking all day and at least I could see that he got home safe). He couldn’t decide were to go and because I don’t go out , I didn’t care (I knew I’d have less than a beer). After we finally found a place, half a beer later, he no longer felt comfortable there and so we left. we bickered about where to go because I had no answers so finally I dropped him off. I told him this was supposed to be a happy day for me (I just graduated college!) and I just didn’t want to fight. After a slam of my truck door and a mumbled dig he was off. I text him a day or two later and I’m like “what are we doing” (in the metaphorical sense) and apparently we were no long boyfriend/girlfriend. That was a relief and I changed my status on Facebook. We haven’t been in the same space since. I have text him and he is still doing crappy but hopefully he decides to make the move closer to family. I wish him luck and sanity.

Today I was supposed to go out to dinner with another guy I had no interest in dating (I think I have a problem). This one I met sometime in December. I stopped responding to his text for two months and he text EVERYDAY. I thought at first it was cute, persistent but it quickly changed to stalker. He often comments on my statuses and pictures and contacts me via every outlet imaginable. I finally agreed to go to dinner until I felt something was amiss. I explained to him that I was not feeling the date and it was me not him. Then there was this:

With comment about being done and stuff.. Look I canceled a date with you that I have been avoiding for a half a year, I didn’t tell you I hate you and lets break up. Let’s face it I should have not caused that reaction. But alas, he says that “if you change your mind I would like to take you to dinner. I don’t care when or how.. but I’ll let you make that call…” Oh boy

So now with two down (kind of) It’s time to “get my grind on” (work)