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Posts Tagged ‘Struggle’

5 months of suffrage

In October of 2013 I moved in with my ex husband in an effort to reduce or combined bills. This was to make things easier for the kids and for each of is to be able to afford to raise them appropriately. Epic fail!!! Either way I have just recently severed ties and we are now living apart again. During the time of or cohabitation, my poor bonsai tree died. I think it was because I was a lot depressed and wasn’t giving anything very much attention. We are all now on the road to recovery. Week one in the new place and it’s already starting to green up.

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Being grateful is harder than one would imagine

October 20, 2013 Leave a comment

Tonight I plan on being thankful for the things that have gone well for me. I have been having a tough time dealing with living under the same roof as my ex-husband. He is still him. He still drinks way too much for my taste. He now smokes marijuana and that’s not my idea of being adult or responsible. His attitude is still the same as when we divorced. Instead of focusing on all the reasons that things are sucky at the moment I will focus on what is good at the moment.

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The official first week

October 5, 2013 Leave a comment

Today marks one official week us cohabitation with my ex husband. How has this week gone? Well let me start by talking about where we stand at this moment. I am not currently speaking to him. I’m already tired I walking on eggshells and biting my tongue. If I speak my mind, it’s a problem, if I don’t speak my mind, it’s a problem. If I’m in a bad mood and don’t talk, literally sitting and reading, it’s a problem and if I’m mad and express it, it’s… You guessed it, a problem.

I’m finding it extremely difficult to center myself here already, and hearing him suggest I do things that i would rather not, makes things so much worse.

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Weeks that last forever

October 4, 2013 2 comments

This week was a tough one. I didn’t think I would survive it. I did. I KNOW that days will get better. I’m trying to break my mind out of this negative jail that it has been locked in. Force is necessary.

Addicted to the struggle

September 13, 2013 3 comments

Last night, as I always do, I found a guided meditation mp3 the “guide” me to sleep. This one was titled, “are you addicted to your struggle?”. As I listened to this track, I posed that very question to myself. I realized that I am, in fact, addicted to my struggle. I know my struggle, my single parenthood, my lack of substantial cash flow, my woes and I’m okay with them. I know how to move through them and I always find motivation to come out on top. I plan to shed that struggle.I no longer wish to remain addicted to the struggle in an effort to move finally forward. It will be scary to let go of, but I will and this will be good for all.

Figuring out this bad day… openly

September 9, 2013 Leave a comment

I question what it means to struggle often…

Some people, I’m sure, struggle through the days battling the feelings of some sort of grief. Maybe they lost a parent, or sibling or spouse for the entirety of their existence.  This is an imaginable feeling, in case it is not something that you personally struggle through. There is no worse feeling than the feeling of eternal loss. You question why most often and it’s hard to find the meaning or reasoning. Grief of loss is a difficult feeling to process and I am not even sure that it is ever fully processed. I think maybe that you just move through the days absent thought of those lost to you.

Some people struggle through the lack of means. What it is to have financial struggle is foreign to some but all to common to others. The lowest point of financial burden is where the truest struggle lays. The questions of where the next meal will come from is a constant thought. Working to no end for nothing is the most likely scenario for someone that was born into nothing. It is a constant life struggle, trying to reach the next level, the level just above your parents in hopes of you children reaching the level above you. The constant thought of why also graces this struggle, why did my parents deem it acceptable to bring into struggle life? What where their thoughts, hopes, dreams, and was there a plan in place to assist their offspring in reaching the next plateau? It is a hard task trying to keep ones head above water, especially while losing everything in the process.

The struggle of companionship is a challenge most people feel most often. Loneliness is a horrid feeling. To be alone, to not have anyone to simply share with, joys and sorrows. This topic should be relative to all who read because at some point we all face this struggle. When this feeling of loneliness is at its worse, breath escapes and is tough to regain. 

finally, there is this… Mental, emotional, physical, sexual, or any other type of abuse either combined or singular can wreak havoc on someones mind, thoughts, feelings, world in its entirety.

So what happens when all of these struggles are combined in one persons life? How can one person withstand all of these torturous feelings, all wrapped in a pretty little package shoved into one (singular) soul? I ask myself that very question everyday as I try to accomplish that impossible task. I don’t know how I yet stand.

When caught off guard

I was having a pleasant conversation today with my newest friend until one word that he uttered shook me to my core. Before hearing this very jarring word we had discussed the passing of my father and sister and our similar lives on different planes. This one word, just five short letters combined to ruin my time. This word brought back pain and devastation that I had been through with the first guy, rebound guy, that I was with during my separation. The conversation evolved into somewhat of a nightmare sending me into panic mode. Images of the past started to surround me and at times I felt as if I could hardly breath. All this began from a word.

He began to “read” me, this made the situation much worse. I have been read by the other, it was fun at that time but not now. I was not okay with the terms, but how could I express this without having to go into detail about the past that haunts me? I brushed most of this off and tried to smile, I did a horrible job at it. Like the feeling that you get when you can feel that your smile is failing. I was eventually saved by the bell, he had to pick his sister up from the salon and I claimed grocery shopping.

HarsH ReaLiTy

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