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In love with a good challenge.

October 1, 2013 Leave a comment

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I love a good challenge and this one seems pretty difficult. To go a whole twenty-four hours without complaining.

Challenge accepted

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Yesterday was a good day

I woke up in a good mood yesterday. The same drama with the children. They decided that they would like to end the school year on a Friday instead of the following Tuesday. This is fine, they already got their report cards and they are all going to the next grade, plus I could never see Marco again and that would be fine. I picked them up from school and brought them over to their dads house. After dropping them off I lounged at home, listened to some music and just relaxed. I had a date last night… with him and his kids. I know, kind of quick to meet the kids but I agreed to go to the drive-ins. I was a nice night. His children are pretty cool and we connected a lot more. One family meeting down and two to go. He has to meet my children and them all the children need to meet each other.

If we decide to further our relationship, we must figure out how to combine two families of 4. Two of the children have similar names. Five of the children’s names start with “D”, as it stands, in July, there will be three 7 year-old (mine) an 8 year old, a 9 year-old and, a 10 year-old. Tht is a lot of kids! They are all bi-racial and they are all very energetic. Oh and they are all boys.

Dead space in the brain

I am experiencing what can only be called a brick wall. I brick wall in my job search, a brick wall in writing anything and a brick wall in my romantic life.

I had an amazing morning today. I got to see a wall of people…… No a block of people.. People literally lined up around the block to take an exam that could change the direction of their lives. I think, in total, I only saw 7 African-American females in the crowd. I did, however, see a large amount of females in general which was a good sign. It’s rare for me to see so many females taking a male dominated job exam. I saw more than I expected of older people and way too many tattoo sleeves. I felt good about the answers that I provided, at least for one part of the test.

As I stood there, waiting for entrance, I thought of an entire post, from start to finish. I wrote it in my head and now it’s gone. It had a lot to do with what I said but somehow I just can’t see to grab it. To pull it down.

All I can really remember of what I was thinking of this morning was “damn, I don’t remember where I parked my car. I walked so far to find the end of the line that I totally have no clue which street my car is located… I remember the package store, but how can I ask for directions to the package store that I don’t know the name of? What am I going to do? I am not from here.”

Upon completing the exam, I walked out of the building telling the lady at the door to simply “have a nice day”. I began my walk, alone. I just walked without thought and when I looked up the hill, there it was! the damn package store. This nonsense clouded my  brain so much that I can not even think straight.

Oh and one final thought… I have no romantic feelings for the guy I am talking to… I have no chemistry at all with him but he’s a cool person and I hope that we can be friends.:(

When caught off guard

I was having a pleasant conversation today with my newest friend until one word that he uttered shook me to my core. Before hearing this very jarring word we had discussed the passing of my father and sister and our similar lives on different planes. This one word, just five short letters combined to ruin my time. This word brought back pain and devastation that I had been through with the first guy, rebound guy, that I was with during my separation. The conversation evolved into somewhat of a nightmare sending me into panic mode. Images of the past started to surround me and at times I felt as if I could hardly breath. All this began from a word.

He began to “read” me, this made the situation much worse. I have been read by the other, it was fun at that time but not now. I was not okay with the terms, but how could I express this without having to go into detail about the past that haunts me? I brushed most of this off and tried to smile, I did a horrible job at it. Like the feeling that you get when you can feel that your smile is failing. I was eventually saved by the bell, he had to pick his sister up from the salon and I claimed grocery shopping.

Distance between two

Sometime back in 2010 I met a man. I met this man for the sole purpose of getting over my divorce. I learned a lot from him, sadness being the leading lesson. After meeting him, while being emotionally devastated, I thought I had found true love. My sister read my cards and told me that he, the new person in my life(she had no idea of him), would teach me sadness. The first six months were great, and then the heavy drinking began. The talk of death that surrounded his job became prevalent and then drugs and guns were added. I thought I was in love and was willing to help him through anything he needed. The second half of our first year was absolutely terrible. Filled with tears and heartache, I was still willing to stick it out. Second year ended in devastation and the eventual drop from the planet.

This post is about distance. He was more than an hour away from me and I was willing to carry on. I started to think to myself, why? Why was I carrying on with this? It’s seems simple now, the distance… The emotional distance, the physical distance, the disconnect.

I eventually started talking with another gentleman, he lived more than an hour away. My third possibility more than an hour as well. I was constantly asked by people, why? Why don’t you talk to someone closer to home? That’s simple, I won’t ever let anyone be in a position to destroy me. The fourth more than an hour and then there was the fifth, less than two minutes away from my home. This closeness ed him to “surprise” me at my job and come by unannounced. But I had finally talked to someone in the neighborhood.

With this closeness came more fear. I quickly ended the non-existing relationship and started another with someone less than an hour but more than three minutes. He too showed up whenever and had to go. But this one taught me that it is not the distance, but the expectation of the other party. They wanted more than I was willing to offer.

Never abandon your dreams

My first passion in life was baking. I played around with food and flavors as often as possible. I was really good at it. All through high school I cooked and baked; for the school store, for class and, at home. I had the opportunity to possibly receive a scholarship to Johnson and Wales University through my high school. I wanted to cook! Anywhere! I decided that I wanted to cook for the Army and so I signed up to join.

I took the ASVAB test, I went through the physical, I raised my right hand and swore an oath to the country. I was excited! Somewhere in the madness of the excitement and possibilities, my life took a left turn. I fell in with the wrong crowd, my mothers’ demands began to be overwhelming, life became difficult. I lost the thrill for baking and the reason for my dreams. I no longer wanted to have more. Upon abandoning my dreams and dealing with all the stresses of the world, I abandoned high school. All of the faculty did everything in their power to get me to return to school. My grades were excellent, without my effort. The final proposal was to attend my senior year taking all junior classes and one senior class and graduating with my class. I declined.

I met my future husband and spent all of my time with him, he was living my dream. He was in the military. I played with his gear, tried on all of his stuff and loved it.

I buried my dreams for a long time, and it is taking a longer time to reach them now. I still bake on occasion, now for my kids. I still think about joining the military and I am in the process of trying to become a police officer.

I hate that I abandoned my dreams way back then, but now I am a degree holder, Associate degree in Science/ Criminal justice. I took the longer path in life, approximately 12 years longer, but I am back.

Adding to the list

Yesterday I started to form my dating checklist, or questionnaire if you will, and the list seemed grim in nature. Why would one have to ask those questions of another? Well I got news for ya’ that was just because of one person. Yes all of that and more is totally for one person. I have been dealing with this person since thanksgiving 2012 and it went from weird to worse. It wasn’t an on again off again kind of relationship but it often seemed that way. I remember one day in January or February I made a statement along the lines of “……..not like we’re boyfriend/girlfriend…….” this sent him into a rant because apparently, to him, we were. I didn’t have the heart to break his because he often said “please don’t rip my heart out” and although it wasn’t my thing, I wasn’t going to be the cause of someones’ demise. On graduation night, he said he wanted to take me out for drinks (I know enabling and alcoholic is horrible but he’d been drinking all day and at least I could see that he got home safe). He couldn’t decide were to go and because I don’t go out , I didn’t care (I knew I’d have less than a beer). After we finally found a place, half a beer later, he no longer felt comfortable there and so we left. we bickered about where to go because I had no answers so finally I dropped him off. I told him this was supposed to be a happy day for me (I just graduated college!) and I just didn’t want to fight. After a slam of my truck door and a mumbled dig he was off. I text him a day or two later and I’m like “what are we doing” (in the metaphorical sense) and apparently we were no long boyfriend/girlfriend. That was a relief and I changed my status on Facebook. We haven’t been in the same space since. I have text him and he is still doing crappy but hopefully he decides to make the move closer to family. I wish him luck and sanity.

Today I was supposed to go out to dinner with another guy I had no interest in dating (I think I have a problem). This one I met sometime in December. I stopped responding to his text for two months and he text EVERYDAY. I thought at first it was cute, persistent but it quickly changed to stalker. He often comments on my statuses and pictures and contacts me via every outlet imaginable. I finally agreed to go to dinner until I felt something was amiss. I explained to him that I was not feeling the date and it was me not him. Then there was this:

006With comment about being done and stuff.. Look I canceled a date with you that I have been avoiding for a half a year, I didn’t tell you I hate you and lets break up. Let’s face it I should have not caused that reaction. But alas, he says that “if you change your mind I would like to take you to dinner. I don’t care when or how.. but I’ll let you make that call…” Oh boy

So now with two down (kind of) It’s time to “get my grind on” (work)

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