In search of a peaceful existence

September 19, 2013 Leave a comment

I have been up to the unimaginable, looking for a house to live in with my ex-husband. We have fallen in love with the idea of making out children’s lives better, and ending the struggle on both parents parts.

Today we saw four houses in the Connecticut area. Two of them were absolutely beautiful. I crave to have the ability to raise my children in such peaceful areas. The view on one property was breathtaking.



Interesting people everywhere

September 16, 2013 Leave a comment

I have been a member of a dating web site for some time now. I haven’t really pursued it, but when I feel chatty and want to chat, I do. Today I got an email from the site…


I looked at his alias and giggled a lot. Bucketlisters? curiosity thoroughly peeked, I had to read his profile. I was not let down.


I was so amazed by this mans honesty that I had to let him know.


I think he was thrown off by my lack of disgust and judgement.


He seems pretty cool for the most part and I hope he is able to move through the emotional pain so that he may dissolve the bucket list.

For arguments sake

September 15, 2013 Leave a comment

The hardest task that I face in speaking is speaking to someone who’s only only thought, when not their turn to talk, is what try will next say. I have dealt with this battle for a very long time. Most people I just turn from to save voice. Yet, with one, turning is not an option. I was in a sour mood today and had been talked to about going over the child support calculation again and it was not in the top priority of things to do. I came in less than pleased to talk about it, admittedly. When my “attitude” was called to center stage, I chose to switch gears. I calmed myself and spoke with rational mind. Even this change did not reap rewards. I tried to voice my frustration with the situation but that was met with more yelling. I tried to explain that trying to have a conversation with someone who was only thinking about what they were going to say was pointless and above all, talking to someone who would not allow me to voice my opinions and someone who already had the “right” version in their head was just not working. I’m done trying to rationalize with an irrational person. I’m just done.


Addicted to the struggle

September 13, 2013 3 comments

Last night, as I always do, I found a guided meditation mp3 the “guide” me to sleep. This one was titled, “are you addicted to your struggle?”. As I listened to this track, I posed that very question to myself. I realized that I am, in fact, addicted to my struggle. I know my struggle, my single parenthood, my lack of substantial cash flow, my woes and I’m okay with them. I know how to move through them and I always find motivation to come out on top. I plan to shed that struggle.I no longer wish to remain addicted to the struggle in an effort to move finally forward. It will be scary to let go of, but I will and this will be good for all.

Change of direction

September 11, 2013 Leave a comment

I read my horoscope prior to checking the transformation assignment of the day. My horoscope suggests that I revisit an old goal with a new breath.


I had been putting off getting my license to carry because I wanted to go to mass firearms school, but it costs a lot, especially because I’m pretty broke at the moment. Upon seeing this I chose to just go to my local police department and ill be taking the course before the end of the month!! New approach at an old goal.


I’ve felt the breeze of grace. Welcome back to the upswing 🙂

Looking in the rear view mirror

September 10, 2013 Leave a comment


Today’s assignment in my transformation is to consider the drama I had in my youth. As you may have seen from my previous post, my past was racked with tears, not of joy but of sorrow, pain and misery. In my youth if wished for death, to be stricken from the earth to join my loved ones, wherever that may be. I no longer and haven’t wished for that, in fact I hold the exact opposite near to my heart. I want a full life of happiness and joys and I’d much rather postpone a visit with my since gone family.

Figuring out this bad day… openly

September 9, 2013 Leave a comment

I question what it means to struggle often…

Some people, I’m sure, struggle through the days battling the feelings of some sort of grief. Maybe they lost a parent, or sibling or spouse for the entirety of their existence.  This is an imaginable feeling, in case it is not something that you personally struggle through. There is no worse feeling than the feeling of eternal loss. You question why most often and it’s hard to find the meaning or reasoning. Grief of loss is a difficult feeling to process and I am not even sure that it is ever fully processed. I think maybe that you just move through the days absent thought of those lost to you.

Some people struggle through the lack of means. What it is to have financial struggle is foreign to some but all to common to others. The lowest point of financial burden is where the truest struggle lays. The questions of where the next meal will come from is a constant thought. Working to no end for nothing is the most likely scenario for someone that was born into nothing. It is a constant life struggle, trying to reach the next level, the level just above your parents in hopes of you children reaching the level above you. The constant thought of why also graces this struggle, why did my parents deem it acceptable to bring into struggle life? What where their thoughts, hopes, dreams, and was there a plan in place to assist their offspring in reaching the next plateau? It is a hard task trying to keep ones head above water, especially while losing everything in the process.

The struggle of companionship is a challenge most people feel most often. Loneliness is a horrid feeling. To be alone, to not have anyone to simply share with, joys and sorrows. This topic should be relative to all who read because at some point we all face this struggle. When this feeling of loneliness is at its worse, breath escapes and is tough to regain. 

finally, there is this… Mental, emotional, physical, sexual, or any other type of abuse either combined or singular can wreak havoc on someones mind, thoughts, feelings, world in its entirety.

So what happens when all of these struggles are combined in one persons life? How can one person withstand all of these torturous feelings, all wrapped in a pretty little package shoved into one (singular) soul? I ask myself that very question everyday as I try to accomplish that impossible task. I don’t know how I yet stand.

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