Home > personal > I’m sure I already titled something “sleepless”…..

I’m sure I already titled something “sleepless”…..

I can not  sleep tonight. I have been laying here for hours, yeah I go to bed early, unable to even doze off. I hadn’t had any coffee this evening, and I don’t think that the 16 ounces of Pepsi is keeping me up. I haven’t indulged on chocolate and I shied away from other sweets today as well. As I was sitting on the steps of my building, in the chilly Autumn air, I thought about one thing, and one thing only, Miranda and Paul.

Miranda has had a rough life, every moment of her existence has been an uphill battle and as far as I know, she really doesn’t know Paul as much as she thought after all. Miranda tries so hard to live life as pleasant and positive as possible and she sometimes finds it difficult. She’s a decent student and a kindhearted individual. Simply put she would give you the shirt off her back, knowing full well that you will take that shirt and set it a blaze right before her eyes. I pray for Miranda on a nightly basis, I pray for her prosperity and most importantly her survival.

I hope that someday Miranda’s life becomes full and fabulous, just as fabulous as she would want it. I am fine with her not being a part of Paul’s life, and vice versa however, I loved their story. She met him on a whim, on a mere dare to be bold and take control of her sexuality. She expressed her need for a solely intimate encounter with him and he agreed to this arrangement. She told him that it would never get personal, they would never discuss anything more than when they would meet to satisfy carnal urges, to fulfill adult needs. That plan went south fast and she is still unclear as to whom it was to kill that arrangement. They, at least in her mind, had a whirlwind love affair which was satisfying sexually, mentally, and emotionally. It wasn’t until slightly over a year into this love affair that she began to notice that many of the things that Paul did, were done solely for the purpose of controlling her actions and by then it was too late. Too late for her to go back and make this a simple “booty call”, to make it an occasional hook-up. It was too late to remove the feelings that she had developed and she was screwed.

She is sad now, two and a half years later. She’s sad confused and mostly bored. She has tried to rid herself of the feelings that she once had for him, yet they linger on in her soul, as black as night and as sharp as daggers. She doesn’t cry anymore from the grief of a lost relationship, she only wanders, like a lost child in deep woods in the dead of night, she wanders. She smiles and laughs, makes people feel good yet can’t push past the numbness in her chest.

She doesn’t want to crave the attention of just any man, she wants the life that she envisioned with him, the picket fence and all. She knows that if she seeks it, it will never be but it’s hard.

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